NOTE: I was mis-medicated under a social worker’s prior, incorrect diagnosis, which caused ongoing, medically-induced mania (a severe medical condition).

Tuesday, November 13, 2001, Age 20

I don’t understand how there can be times when you can feel so great about everything and you just feel like you can conquer the world, and then there are times that you just feel worthless and down and blue.  And the strangest part is that it can be the slightest of things that make you go from one extreme to the other.  It really just sucks.

My dad doesn’t think I am smart enough or disciplined enough to go to law school.  And Professor Bonar thinks it is mathematically impossible to get my GPA up to a 3.6 by the time I graduate.  I am so fucking tired of hearing people say you can’t do this, you can’t do that.  Honestly…fuck ‘em all! 

Dude, bad days just suck.  I had only four tables tonight and one didn’t even tip me…the fucking bastards!!!  But I’m not bitter or anything.  And Dave never wrote me back.  I dunno, it may have been something with the “I hope your plane back from Europe didn’t crash and burn with you in it” statement!  Yeah…I dunno maybe?!  But that was way back at the end of the summer which is the first email I think I sent him when he decided not to talk to me anymore.  I just wish I could forget about him completely.  I hate it.  I hate that I still think about him two and a half years after high school.  I really wish he didn’t hate me and I really wish I could have been friends with him and not always have felt that I was competing with him.  I dunno, who knows.

But anyways, I feel like I am having an internal battle at the moment.  It’s so hard sometimes to have faith in yourself when no one else does.  I suppose it makes sense though, I mean if I don’t believe in myself and my ability to live and learn and grow, then why should any one else, you know?  I wish I didn’t get so confused and frustrated sometimes!