RE: It will be another 6 years until I am correctly diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder, which is when the medical “professionals” stopped mis-medicating me with anti-depressants which cause medically-induced mania when used without a mood stabilizer in bipolar patients (i.e. isn’t “learning” fun?!).

Friday, August 10, 2001, Age 20

Okay, so I am right in the middle of painting (which is going great by the way…why was I worried?!) and I made myself stop so that I could write down some totally journal-worthy thoughts that I have been having today!

Okay so, why?  I have no idea but I have been dwelling all morning long over the whole Jon Staunton thing that happened around Valentine’s Day and all, and how I really felt like I had made a fool of myself and all and then how he ended up dating or whatever one of the freshman Baltimore girl-twins Alexis…and it was just a whole mess, all of which just sucked and made me feel horrible about myself.

But…then out of nowhere, I remembered the beach-party thing or whatever that was out at the “shitbox” the night Jes actually finally hooked up with Chris Hall.  And what happened was Conner who liked me at the time and Jon were trying to get my attention on themselves and away from the other guy…and it was wonderful!  And Jon was all hugging me ‘n shit…and then Conner was all “Jon, so where’s Alexis?”  Hah and it was great!  I don’t know how I even forgot about that?!

But the moral of the story is…I am a beautiful, funny, smart woman who should be happy just the way I am.  And if some wonderful knight in shining armor comes and sweeps me away…fabulous!  But until then, I just need to be happy and be me.  And if there is anyone who is mean or just doesn’t like me, then I can just not hang out with them or confront them. But there is no need to worry about these things!

People love being around me when I am happy.  I am so much fun, and mysterious and exotic…and just wonderful!  Okay…so right now I just love myself!

Note to self – if I am in a happy mood, never ruin it by watching “Terms of Endearment”.  It’s a great movie about life…but also very depressing.  Hah!  Never watch it if very depressed either, come to think of it.

I’ve been thinking I need to no.1 focus more on the good things in my life, rather than what I still need to get or still want.  I mean what’s the point anyway?  I’ve got everything I need.  And my wants I won’t care about in a couple years because I’m sure they will be completely different by then anyways.

And then no.2 I need to realize better what I am capable of.  I think depression shuts a person down, physically and mentally.  But it’s so much better to be open.  Sure you get a lot more shit out of it…but you get a much better sense of worth and understanding and loving out of it as well.  Am thinking of the rollercoaster from Parenthood now.

John is supposed to be here tonight.  He hasn’t even called…not once and it’s 10:22pm!

I’ve begun to really pack for school.  I can’t believe I am leaving already!  I mean I thought this summer would never end…but I am so sad to be leaving my parents!  I’m going to miss them like crazy.  My dad and I were joking around tonight and I listened to myself laugh.  I mean big booming Julia Robert’s laugh!  It’s been so long!  Oh!  That definitely needs to be no. 3…laugh more!  Laugh when I’m happy, laugh when I’m sad, laugh when I’m weirded out, laugh at life when I am stressed!  Don’t take everything so seriously!  

Which actually brings me to another point I wanted to make that I thought of today.  I need to have laughter be a criteria for guys.  I mean honestly, if they can’t make me laugh…then there can’t be a relationship, even if I give it everything I have.

I think that if I am thinking, can this guy even make me laugh, rather than I wonder if he thinks I’m pretty, I will have much much better turnouts on everything!  But seriously…laugh more!  It will make the world all the more brighter a place!

And besides…I think I happen to have an absolutely wonderful, electrifying laugh…and if nothing else…I wouldn’t mind hearing it more often just to listen to its own beauty.