Sunday, July 30, 2000, Age 19

So much to say, so much to say!  Okay, so this appearance thing is really becoming quite the irritating issue these days!  I have this on-going fight going on within my conscience with one side wanting to be rail thin, but then there is the other side that just tells me, be voluptuous, have curves, enjoy life, don’t starve yourself to death and in all honesty, I really just want to be me you know, with my slight fattiness and all.  But it’s hard when I start trying to eat less, or right, or exercise, to not feel like I need to be rail thin with all the effort that goes into losing just a few pounds, or just one of those mini-rolls on my belly.

But, then again, if I just let it go I’m sure I will be obese by the age of 25!  My my my…

What else?  19 glorious days until I return to Ohio for fall semester.  I can’t wait!  Mom found a CD entitled ‘How to Get Drunk’ that Jen had made for me, and she got all funny and fucking weird when she handed it to me and told me to go put it away.  I was just kind of like fuck off, you know?!  Where is her sense of goddamn humor sometimes?  But anyways, the CD really cheered me up because I have been kind of depressed lately.  (I think because of all the depressing books I have been reading) so it was really good to just think about good times and remember, you know?!  It made my day! 

Ugh, though!  Three more weeks of my brain-numbing job at the bank.  Can’t wake up at six in the morning anymore!  What to do, though, what to do?  Not much since I really, really, really need the money.

As I’m writing in this journal or diary I am just thinking about how boring I really am.  I can’t wait to get back to school where the drama is fun and exciting and non-life threatening!  Can’t wait to see everyone again and be parentless again and have only me to worry about and take care of.  Will be so wonderful!  I must be sure to make sure to do great in school and also have amazing fun, too, as I now know just how much I really do love and appreciate being on my own at school, with all my friends with our biggest worries being reading a book for class in time and what the hell to wear out on Saturday night!  Love school!  Love Denison!  19 Days!  Hoorah!