Monday, July 3, 2000, Age 19

Alright, so I’m scared to get my hair highlighted red.  Not so much because I think it won’t look good, but more so cause I’m afraid it won’t look good on me.  But I think I will because I’m only young once right?!  Right!

I talked to Jen last night on the phone.  Hah for 3 hours!  It was good to hear her voice though and I haven’t talked to her for like, a week, so naturally I had a shitload to tell her.  I wonder how long we’ll be best friends for sometimes.  Sometimes I worry myself just thinking about it you know.  It’s so ridiculous but I kind of get jealous when she like, goes to other friends for help or advice or just to talk, you know?  I mean, it’s gay I do or even just think that shit because I have other really good friends that I go to also.  But I don’t know, I love having that feeling of her being my best friend and me being her best friend.  Or, maybe it’s this whole thing is just a result of me not having a good boyfriend around to shower me with attention, so I displace my feelings into my friendships instead.  But then again, maybe I just sound fucking retarded now trying to be all philosophical ‘n shit.  I’m a clown though, what more can I say? 

Okay, so here are the two main questions of the moment!  When did my handwriting get to be so monstrous?  And two, when did I become such an awful reader?  Hmmm?  Okay so I feel like pondering on my thoughts about pot at the moment.  This is so bad but I can’t believe how far I have come sometimes.  I mean, granted I’ve had sex before and done my fair share of drinking and smoking up on occasion…but I think I’ve come out of the entire adolescence stage rather successfully, you know?  Because I’m not an alchy, I’m not a pothead, and I’m not some dumbass sex-crazed girl.  You know, I’ve made it through most of the stages and I’m still here and alive, and decently smart too ya know?

Ahhh I’ve missed having a journal.  It’s so nice just to get everything out and written down somewhere cause then I don’t have to hold it all up in my head anymore.  Okay, but going back to before…I’ve noticed that all or most of my best friendships have dwindled away at some point or another.  You know cause think about it, with Jody, Jenna, Jill, Katie, Molly, Michele, Janine, Krissy, etc.  I mean I’m still friends with all of them, well most of them to one level or another, but I dunno.  Sometimes I think it’s me you know, that something’s wrong with me because I can’t hold onto friendships.  But then again a lot of the time I think it just might be a part of growing up.  Who knows?!  All I know is, there are some friends I have now that I hope I never lose, you know?  Like Stacey and Jen especially.  I love those girls.  Alright, but once again I’m getting tired of thinking and I’m prolly not making much sense anyways!  So bye!  

Later

Alright, we have only been living together as a “family” for like, four days now, and I am so ready to just get myself the hell outa here.  It sucks living at home again, especially having been away at school and on my own for a year already.  I swear to god, mark my words, I will never live at home again for an extended period of time.  I’ll come to visit and shit but only for like two weeks tops.

But anyways, it’s so irritating cause I go to tell my dad that I just am going to run to target for a minute to get a picture frame for my freshman year at Denison collage and he’s like, no, you can’t, we’re going out that way to eat soon, which is real funny because we were at the goddamn target store the other day and they wouldn’t even wait for me to look at the frames.  So I’m sure he is going to take me there today after dinner.  And then I can’t get on the computer to check my email and IMer because my mom is on there, and I can’t take a fucking shower because John is in there.  My god, fuck this living at home shit!  Never again man, never the hell again!  

Ooooh!  Listen to this, I have successfully been a nonsmoker now for…like, four days!  Hmm, maybe that’s another reason I’m ready to kick my family’s ass.  But nonetheless…yeah me!  Only about six weeks to go!  Then I can smoke my brains out if I feel like it for the rest of my life (which hopefully I won’t) because I’ll never have to hide it again because I’ll never be living at home again.  No more fucking parental control!  Yeah!  You know what I was just thinking?  By the time I finish this journal and have to get a new one, I will either be back at school or it will be very close to time to go back to school which will just make my fucking day!  Alright enough for now.